


Find me, find myself (Am I transparent ?)

by ScorpionMauve



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Canon Compliant, Comfort, Crying, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Homesickness, Rain, Running Away, Sad Wen Jun Hui | Jun, Self-Doubt, Sickness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:13:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25146769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScorpionMauve/pseuds/ScorpionMauve
Summary: Being an idol was hard : the countless hours of practice, the unending schedules, the constant public pressure.Being a foreigner living in a different country was hard : the language troubles, the homesickness.Combine the two and it became even worse. Foreign idols were more often than not overlooked, pushed to the back where they stood as just a pretty face.Junhui was tired.Oh, so tired.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 76
Collections: SVT angst save





	Find me, find myself (Am I transparent ?)

It wasn’t often that Junhui woke up on his own, not because of an alarm, someone shaking him or ruckus from his band members. However, today, he stared blankly at the ceiling. He had tossed and turned for what seemed like hours, unable to find a comfortable position. He had continued until Seungkwan had thrown a plushie from the top bunk, sleepily grumbling for him to stop moving. Therefore, he had settled on his back, comforter thrown against the wall as he seemed to transform into only sweat.

A look at his phone had informed Junhui he still had three hours until the time he had to get up. The one day he was able to sleep for more than four hours in a row, his body refused. There was a distant ache in his chest, heart feeling heavy as if it had been replaced by a rock. The dancer suddenly became hyper aware of the throbbing of his pulse in his fingertips. He hated having to stay still like this, leaving his thoughts free reign to wreak havoc.

Junhui gave up on trying to go back to sleep, instead quietly getting up after grabbing his phone. He slid out of his shared room, trying to keep light from slipping inside and waking his bandmates. It was the middle of the morning for people who had regular schedules, but they had gone to bed at 7am so it was still night to them. The curtains in the living room didn’t block much of the sun, making him squint as he got used to the brightness.

As the man’s eyes wandered outside the window, he felt his heart tighten. Seoul was beautiful, but he missed Shenzhen’s skyline. He finally identified the pain in his heart as homesickness. God, how much did Junhui yearn to stand on the pier and watch the boats come in, or sit on the beach and let the wind blow through his hair. 

He slowly reached for his phone, fingers deftly scrolling through his contacts before pressing on the little icon beside his mother’s name. Junhui stood by the window, staring outside as he listened to the beeps from his device. He rested his forehead against the cold panel, exhaling in relief when he heard his mother’s voice. 

“Hi Junnie, how are you ?”

He smiled softly, tension slipping from his muscles as he went somewhat limp against the glass. He began telling her how much he missed home and hoped he would be able to come visit soon. He spoke in quiet mandarin, trying to keep tremors away from his voice. However, when he told her how he had battled sleep, only for it to run away, the conversation took a turn.

“It is 10 here, which means it’s 11 for you, why are you still sleeping at this hour, Junhui ? You can’t sleep the day away, I didn’t raise you like that.”

He tried to explain that it wasn’t his fault, practices usually stretched out late into the night, even the early morning sometimes, that he had no control over what time they went to sleep at, that it wasn’t like he had chosen to stay up until dawn. It didn’t have the intended effect, only making her raise her voice higher.

“And you’re talking back ? How great, I have a depraved man as a son, can’t even respect his elders. What pride I take in you, I assure you.”

Junhui’s throat tightened at the harsh words and yet, he kept listening as she went on and on. He sat there motionless, not fighting the words spilling from his phone. He croaked out a shaky goodbye before ending the call once his mother had stopped talking. 

Junhui sat there for a while longer, until he gathered enough strength to push himself up. If he had to meet up with the others at the company in a few hours, he could get a head start on something productive. He threw on the first hoodie and pair of sweatpants he found scattered around the living room, pulled on a mask and dark cap before going on his way outside.

The dancer walked his way to the company building in silence, not having been able to go back in his room to get his earphones. When he finally arrived inside, his head was buzzing with a mess of thoughts. He made a beeline for one of the smaller practice rooms, dropping himself down on the piano bench. He looked up a score for a random song, placing the phone down in front of him, before beginning to follow along the notes.

Junhui kept playing the piano after a few songs, making up silly melodies from the top of his mind. However, they didn’t cheer him up as they usually did, heart still feeling too close to bursting from his mouth. Letting his fingers glide over the keys slowly, his humming followed the pitch until he couldn’t go any higher. He left the piano to instead sit against a wall, pulling up the fantasy book he was currently reading on his phone to drown his mind.

The next time he looked at the clock, Junhui realized it was time for him to go to vocal practice, which was supposed to start in no more than a minute. He stood up and bolted out of the room, rushing a floor up to the place he was meant to be. When he got there, none of the other members questioned him on his whereabouts or his tardiness. He wasn’t quite sure whether he was relieved or hurt by their indifference.

As Junhui sat down inside, his stomach started making its emptiness known with loud grumbles. He had forgotten to eat in his haste to shut up his mind. He quickly quieted down the noises with big gulps of water, looking down sheepishly when the teacher sent him a glare for being noisy.

He listened to his bandmates quietly, pitching in for his lines that were far and few behind. A few songs in, the teacher stopped music, observing their faces. He claimed there was a dissonance among them, but he wasn’t sure who it came from. He asked them to go again more slowly, before starting Good to me at a 0.75 speed. They all went through without a hitch, dread growing in Junhui’s stomach until his turn came.

“Cause you, you’re my everyday, you also know it-”

The music cut off as everyone’s eyes snapped to Junhui. He swallowed anxiously.

“Your vocals are pitchy. Go again.”

Clearing his throat from the ball of nervousness settled there, Junhui started singing again. Not only was he out of tune, his voice cracked in the middle. He felt his cheeks heat up in shame, eyes dropping to the ground. The teacher asked him if he had done something that could have caused this, causing him to shake his head.

“I- No, I haven’t done anything, I have no idea why my voice is not working with me.”

It reminded him of that time before his performance with Tia and Yanan on Chao Yin Zhan Ji. The teacher told him to sit the session out. If he strained his vocal chords, it would be so much worse. Therefore, he sat back in his chair, gaze cast down as he mouthed along the lyrics, no sound leaving his lips. 

The practice stretched on and on, until it was finally done. Junhui was told to stay back for a few minutes, which he did, letting the others file out without a word. The older man sat down in front of him, concern written all over his face.

“Are you sure you didn’t do anything that could have harmed your voice ?”

Junhui shook his head, looking back up at the teacher.

“I didn’t drink, didn’t scream, didn’t… I didn’t sleep well but it was still enough, I don’t know.”

The other hummed before grabbing Junhui’s hands, which had been twisting one another painfully.

“Don’t hurt yourself more. It might just be because of stress, we all have these days. Don’t beat yourself up over it, try to keep quiet today and drink water, alright ?”

He nodded softly, letting the older man ruffle his hair a bit before standing walking over to the door. Behind it stood Jihoon, making a warm feeling bloom in Junhui’s chest.

“Excuse me.”

The younger man slipped between him and the door, entering the room, crushing the blossom. Oh. He hadn’t been waiting for him, he had to talk to the teacher.

Junhui, shoulders hung low, dragged himself to the small cafeteria of the building. He felt sick in his stomach so he only picked up a small amount of food. He took some fruit and a tiny serving of spicy noodles, which he didn’t enquire about further. He dropped himself down on a chair by the wall, using it to rest his head against as he ate. He focused on the black screen of his phone, making it look like he was busy. He really wasn’t, though, only replaying the embarrassing scene in his head again and again. He blamed his teary eyes on the spice.

Some hours later, as the sun had started its last descent, the group had assembled once again, this time for dance practice. Junhui had suffered through a whole afternoon of photoshoot for a magazine that he didn’t really remember the name of. He ran through the dances as best he could, mostly relying on muscle memory as he had no way to fight the slight dizziness nestled in his skull. He made a few mistakes here and there during the runs, simply brushed off by a quiet apology from his part. 

When the end of the practice finally came, Junhui wanted nothing more than to go home and collapse in his bed. He didn’t even find it in him to think about washing all of the sweat away. He just wanted to sleep. However, he wouldn’t be granted that privilege, and he learned so when he noticed his fellow performance team members staying back. They were supposed to help with creating choreography. Therefore, reluctant but concealing it as best he could, he made it seem like he had only gone to drink and joined the circle again.

Well, joined wasn’t really the appropriate word, what he was doing was more like just standing there, a step behind Chan. Junhui tried to pitch in a few times, but maybe he had been too quiet. Maybe his voice was playing tricks on him again, not unlike what he liked to do to others. They didn’t seem to hear him at all. He stepped back down from trying to voice his opinion on the current subject and instead just listened quietly.

At one point, Soonyoung did ask if he had any idea, which he presented with a scratchy voice and minimal hand movements. The other three looked at him with expressions that could only be described as unconvinced. Junhui went on to show what he meant, running through the move that was in his mind. However, they brushed him off rapidly, Minghao suggesting another possible gesture. Once they had tried it by running through what they had so far, he had to admit it was better than what he had come up with. 

Junhui’s shoulders sagged. Maybe he wasn’t meant to be here after all, since he couldn’t sing, he couldn’t dance, he couldn’t come up with correct choreography. The arrival of the group’s main choreographer, different from the one from earlier, pulled him from his overwhelming self-doubt. They showed her what they had decided on, critical eyes observing their first draft. Once they stopped, she hummed quietly.

“That last move fits in a weird way. How about something more like…”

She danced in a slow flowy fashion, contrasting with the previous sharp and quick footwork. Junhui felt a painful tug in his guts when he saw the others consider and approve it.

“But that was what I… said.”

His voice, despite being low enough for them not to hear, cracked in the middle. Wasn’t that move almost exactly what he had done ? Junhui was pretty sure it was, but maybe it hadn’t been. What even had it been ? He couldn’t remember. It probably wasn’t good anyway, that’s why they had scrapped it. Surely.

“Junhui.”

His head snapped up when he heard his name be called, along with an elbow hitting his ribs painfully. The four of them were staring at him, he didn’t let his eyes linger on them long enough to decipher their expressions. He didn’t want to see more disappointment directed towards him today.

“Please focus.”

Junhui nodded quietly, giving a fleeting thought to the claws clutching his heart painfully, before concentrating back on the discussion. This wasn’t just about himself, it was for all of Seventeen. He couldn’t be selfish at a time like this one.

From that point on, he didn’t try to speak again, giving all his energy for the dance. He accepted the criticism of his movements without a word, correcting the issue without contesting. He let himself be bossed around docilely, they knew better, after all. He shouldn’t intervene and mess up everything again.

When they eventually stopped, Junhui collapsed to the floor, sitting on his feet. His hands came forward to rest on his knees as he panted so he wouldn’t crash face first into the ground. It took a few minutes for him to gather enough strength and will to drag himself over to the pile of water bottles. He moved his weight to rest against the wall, taking hold of a bottle and gulping down half of it.

The dancer forced himself to ingest two of the cereal bars resting next to them to cope with the uncomfortable feeling of liquid sloshing around his empty stomach. He could hear the splashes it made as his chest moved with the heavy breathing. There was a far away pounding in his ears that blocked the rest of his hearing. It felt like two hands holding either side of his head and compressing it really hard. It hurt.

As they waited for their manager to come pick them up, Junhui thought that he wouldn’t be able to walk. His legs were so heavy, he could barely budge when sitting. How would he be able to if he stood ? However, he saw his three bandmates move around freely and chastised himself. If they could do it, he could too. He was just being a wimp.

Therefore, Junhui pushed through and stood when their manager came in. He walked, trying to conceal how hard his legs were shaking under his weight. He followed without really paying attention, only trying to not fall over before getting into the car. He made it there safely, dropping himself into a single seat, resting against the window. 

It was about 1am now, and Junhui just wanted to go back home and sleep. He dozed off as the vehicle started moving. The soft roll and the quiet background hum lolled him to a semi conscious state. The conversations coming from behind him simply glided over his ears, as he ignored them completely.

After a while, his thoughts began kicking up and closing up his throat. He still didn’t have his earphones, nothing to overpower his mind. He bent forwards to rest his chest over his thighs, letting his head drop. He crossed his arms over it, using his upper arms to block out the sound. He’d be in pain soon but at least he wouldn’t have to listen any longer.

Junhui soon felt the car turn in a familiar way and sat back up straight before anyone could question his position. He forced his eyes open, rubbing the sleep out of them as best he could. The vehicle slowed down and eventually stopped in their parking lot. 

Junhui mentally prepared himself to stand up again as the door slid open. He stepped out, concealing his lack of stability by propping a hand against the roof of the car. He began walking to the elevator, calling it and leaning against the wall for support as the others joined him. 

The ride up was quiet, allowing him to plan his next course of actions. Junhui would grab something to eat quickly, not having gotten much food today, then get a quick shower before passing out in bed. Tomorrow would be better. It had to. It couldn’t really get any worse than this anyways.

They finally got inside and Junhui made a beeline for his room. He sat down on his bed and pulled open the drawer of the table that served as his bedhead. It came up empty. He looked in the second drawer, maybe his snacks had just been misplaced ? That had happened before, when he had been so tired that he put them away in the wrong spot. He stayed empty handed. He turned towards Seungkwan, who laid in his own bed a meter away.

“Seungkwan, do you know where my jelly snacks are ?”

His voice wavered slightly and he tried his best to hide it. When he received no answer, Junhui called out again a little louder.

“Oh my god no, I don’t know where your stupid snacks are, let me rest.”

Junhui felt like he had been slapped right across the face. His skin erupted in goosebumps as if freezing water had been poured right over him. His vision blurred. He stood up fast, sending a rush of dizziness through his veins, but he ignored it and stumbled to the door. The living room was empty as he shot through it, putting on the first pair of shoes his size that he found. 

The main door slammed behind him, sending the loud noise all over the otherwise quiet floor. He slumped against the elevator that took a few seconds to come up, insistently pressing the ground floor button. The first tear spilled over as the elevator began riding down. It stopped way too soon. He looked up at his manager’s face on the 6th floor, probably having just checked up on the second apartment’s members.

“Junhui, what are y-”

The dancer leaped forward, past him, heading straight for the door leading to the stairs.

“Forgot something at the company !”

He croaked out behind him as he ran down the stairs. The voice of the manager screaming his name echoed around the circular staircase, accompanying him all the way down. He wasn’t quite sure where this newfound energy came from, maybe from the cereal bars he had eaten an hour ago, or simply the adrenaline, his last bit of strength. Nevertheless, he used it well and erupted from their building at high speed.

Junhui ran and ran through the streets of Seoul. His lungs felt empty, all of the air gone missing from them. His legs burned as he pushed his muscles to do the most they could. His heart hammered as it did its best to pump blood through his veins.    
He only came to a stop when he crashed into a wall and found no more energy to stand back up. He stayed there, curled up in a ball against cold bricks, next to a dumpster. He had no idea where he was, nor what time it was. Junhui brought his knees up to his chest, burying his head in them. 

The dancer felt the uncomfortable wetness on his cheeks get soaked into the fabric of his pants. He let the tears flow, sobs racking his body as he hid his face deeper. It was so stupid, he thought, that he had ran out because someone had taken his snacks. Childish. It hadn’t been the first time it had happened, so why had it hit so hard ?

Junhui shook slightly when he felt a cold gust of wind run under his shirt. He hadn’t even taken a jacket before fleeing. He scooted closer to the dumpster, pressing himself into the corner in an attempt to minimize the exposed surface. 

He felt so exhausted now that the adrenaline had faded away, leaving him with a body weighed with concrete. His eyelids were so heavy, his brain was so tired from the entire day that had just passed.

Why had his members, his friends, his brothers ignored him, talked him down, hurt him this way ? Was it his fault ? What had he done ? One too many pranks ? Why wouldn’t they just talk to him about it ? It had to be something else. Maybe they were simply just tired of him. Maybe they didn’t want him in Seventeen anymore. Maybe he didn’t deserve to be there. He had tried his hardest but it wasn’t enough, and now they would throw him out of the group.

Junhui choked at the thought of it, water and bile coming up in the back of his throat. He swallowed them back down as best he could, pressing his hands over his ears. He tensed up when he felt a warm thing settle next to him, pressing into the side of his ass and thigh. He looked up, dread looming over him, before it plummeted to the ground.

It was a cat curled up against him, colour not quite decipherable in the low light of the street. Junhui carefully lowered a hand to let it smell him. The animal deemed him worthy and he began petting the soft fur of its back gently. It was small and calm, absolutely adorable, and he was definitely gone when the animal began purring.

“What are you doing out there, kitty ? Are you just exploring ?”

Of course, he knew he wouldn’t get an answer from a cat, but it was better than just talking to himself.

“I wish it was the case for me too. It’s alright though, we can keep each other company, right ? I wouldn’t mind it at all.”

He kept running his hand over the fluffy fur for a while, until he felt a droplet of water fall on his hair. Looking up, he saw the clouds covering up the night sky.

“Oh no.”

Junhui gently picked up the cat, who was surprisingly easygoing and put it down under his legs. He shielded the cat from the rain, also allowing it to hide under the dumpster if it wasn’t enough. Junhui however, had no shelter, and he let himself get drenched, clothes weighing down heavily as they soaked up the liquid.

His tears mixed with the pouring rain and he didn’t even bother trying to wipe either. Deep down, he felt like it would never stop, the pain, the rain. Weren’t they kind of the same thing after all ? Junhui liked rain when he was protected from it, surrounded with warmth. However, right now, as it batted down his head and back, piercing his skin and freezing his bones, he hated it with all he had. Would he ever get to feel warm again after this ? The ones who used to bring him warmth wouldn’t do it anymore. His last comfortable hug had passed and he hadn’t even enjoyed it as much as he should have.

Junhui realised that he had taken it for granted, his relationship with the members. The people saying you never knew how important something was until it was gone were absolutely right. It felt like his heart had been ripped out of his chest.

Had they even noticed he was gone ? Was it because their manager told them or had they come to look for him, only to find out he wasn’t there ? Were they worried for Junhui ? When he got back, would they be mad at him for putting them in trouble ? 

How was he even going to get back ? He had no idea where he was, not recognizing this area in the blanket of night. He had no phone, no money, no map. Nothing. He had really fucked up this time. His shoulders slumped down after he pushed his cap over his head, hand hitting the floor hard. His fingers would have hurt if he hadn’t lost all of the feeling in them.

Junhui was so cold.

He woke up from his restless sleep when a voice rang loudly through the alleyway. He tried to make himself invisible in case it was someone who could get him in trouble. He shivered, arms wrapped tightly around his chest.

“Oh, I’m sorry if I woke you up.”

Junhui looked up from underneath the brim of his cap to see a teenage boy standing in front of him, an umbrella shielding him from the rain. He shook his head slowly, hiding again.

“I’m looking for my cat. She didn’t come back tonight like she usually does and I was worried.”

Cat ? Junhui reached under his legs gently and felt the slightly humid fur.

“There’s one here.”

He pried his feet apart the tiniest amount so the boy could see the animal. He shook his head quietly.

“That’s not the one… Thank you though.”

Junhui gave him a tight-lipped smile, trying to move his legs without letting water through. He rested his head against the metal by it, closing his eyes as he wrapped his arms back around his chest to keep residual warmth. It came as no surprise that there wasn’t any anymore.

He heard wet steps, the boy walking through the puddles, except it didn’t move away but closer. He tensed up in preparation, anxiety clogging his heart. The rain stopped. Nothing else happened. Junhui looked up discreetly to see the boy holding his umbrella over him instead. Their eyes met, curious worry and tearful despair.

“You shouldn’t stay under the rain like that. You’ll get sick.”

Junhui huffed quietly. It was probably too late anyways. He waved his hand as if to dismiss the words.

“Would you like to go to my house ? I’d feel very guilty for leaving you out here in the rain like this…”

Junhui’s eyes watered for a reason completely different to the ones that had previously been the cause of his tears. He apologized to the cat as he gently pushed it under the dumpster to keep it dry. Then he worked on rising back to his feet, groaning as he felt the ache in his muscles.

“Why are you even awake at this time ? Don’t you have school ?”

Junhui asked shakily as he pushed the hand holding the umbrella closer to its owner. They walked side by side under the pitter patter of the rain.

“I’m not in school. Dropped out. I work in an animal shelter, came here to do charity work.”

The boy had a discreet accent, Junhui couldn’t quite pinpoint it. He simply nodded in answer and let himself be guided to the boy’s two-room apartment. He changed into the dry clothes offered, sat on the couch wrapped in a blanket as he waited for the boy to heat up some leftovers that they ate in silence. Junhui let the tears roll down his face without trying to wipe them away and the teenager didn’t ask.

“Why are you being nicer to me than my closest friends ?”

He finally asked, after having finished his food. Not answering the question, the boy gathered the bowls and got up to wash them in the sink.

“You can have the couch, I’ll give you directions to get back home tomorrow.”

Junhui let himself drop to the side, on the beaten couch with the scratchy blanket. None of this was ideal, but he was thankful and he felt warm, for the first time since that insomnia-induced awakening. He quietly wished the boy a good night, who returned it and disappeared into his room.

A few hours later, Junhui woke up to the quiet sounds of someone shuffling around. He opened his eyes, expecting to see Chan getting up from his bed, narrowly avoiding a collision with the upper bunk. He only saw the teenager standing in his pajamas eating a bowl of cereal. When he saw the dancer sit up sleepily, he smiled.

“Hello, you didn’t sleep for that long so I was trying my best not to wake you. Seems like I failed.”

Junhui ran his hand through the tangled mess of his hair, pushing the blanket off him. He sneezed into his elbow, shivering slightly.

“It’s okay, I shouldn’t bother you for too long.”

He took an instant to look around the living room. It was quite small and the furniture sparse, but there were clusters of trinkets scattered here and there that made it look lived in. The boy offered him a bowl of cereal and the last of his milk bottle, which Junhui thanked him multiple times for.

“What time is it ?”

It was 7:30am, the boy informing him they had only slept for a bit under 4 hours. Junhui thought that it was approximately the most time he was used to. Then he asked where they were so he could figure out how to get back home. Apparently, he had run about 6 kilometers away from the dorms during his panic-fueled flight. If he didn’t get lost on the way back, he would be able to arrive in an hour.

“Sometimes, all you need is a little push, a little reminder that you deserve to be treated with kindness. I think you should talk to your friends and tell them how you feel. Don’t let yourself be pushed around but acknowledge your mistakes. Communication is the best way to solve trouble.”

Junhui nodded quietly. A few minutes later, he put his clothes back on, that the boy had hung to dry in the bathroom while they slept. His pants were still the slightest bit humid, but he didn’t complain. He was forced to take a hoodie to brace the cold air on his way back.

“I’ll bring it back as soon as I’m able to.”

He knew the boy didn’t have much, it was easy to guess just from the look of his home. He didn’t have much but he hadn’t hesitated to gave it all. He reminded Junhui of his younger years, growing up in China, always trying to help anyone who needed it. With the address written on a small piece of paper that he stuck in his pants pocket, Junhui passed through the door.

“Good luck on finding your cat…”

He hoped the poor thing would come back soon, it would be so sad for her to get lost. The boy smiled softly, nodding as he told him to make it home safely. With a wave, Junhui left into the city, melting through nameless faces. As he walked back, he fought back a sneeze and stuck his hands in the central pocket of the hoodie to protect them from getting cold.

There, he felt a piece of paper that he hadn’t noticed. He pulled it out and unfolded it, bringing it up to his eyes.

“Don’t let yourself fade in the background, Junhui, show the bright star you are inside.”

Behind his mask, Junhui sniffled, and not only because of the past day’s cold rain. But then, he realized that he had never told the teenager his name. He also didn’t know the boy’s own. The only option was that he had recognized him. However, he hadn’t shown any of it, treating him like a person instead of the personified dream idols were made up to be. It felt good to be normal for once.

An hour later, Junhui stood in front of his apartment’s door. He took a deep breath and punched in the code. He pressed the handle down and pushed forward, stepping inside. 

Everything was quiet. Were they asleep still ? He turned on the light to manage to make his way through the entryway, but the mess of shoes usually littering the floor was absent. They weren’t here. 

Junhui sneezed and removed his shoes, walking to his room. He found his phone resting the floor by his bed, plugged in and fully charged. He didn’t look at the notifications littering the screen, instead grabbing clothes from his closet and disappearing into the bathroom. His nose started running from the change in temperature.

The warm water felt nice, a complete contrast to the chilling rain from the night and yet the feeling of the droplets falling heavy on his head and back was the same. He shivered at the memory and slammed the faucet down, cutting off the flow. He washed himself quickly, trying to get rid of the dirty impression crawling over him. He rinsed his body the quickest he could and got out, wrapping himself in a towel before getting dressed in his own clothes.

Junhui took a tissue to blow his nose as he walked back to his room, finally ready to endure the angry messages from the staff. He slid under his blankets, quickly skimming through all the texts asking where he had gone, why he left. He felt sleepiness coming over him like a vulture over its prey. He opened up the chat the members shared with their managers and sent a single message before putting his phone down and sliding down to lay on his back.

“I’m in the dorms and I’m sick.”

After blowing his nose and building a consequential pile of tissues by the side of his bed, Junhui drifted off. He came back to consciousness some time later, nose clogged and feeling overall cold and unwell. He curled up to try and warm himself up, reaching to the floor in hopes of finding a tissue.

“Junnie ?”

The dancer cracked an eye open, immediately locking it on the figure sitting opposite him. He couldn’t quite decipher who it was due to the absence of light, but he didn’t really want to know. Sniffling with a gross sound that made a shiver run down his back, he turned around so he faced the wall.

“Junhui, please, we were worried about you.”

The sick man snorted, which made him cough harshly. His throat felt scratchy, and it hurt when snot was ripped away from it. He shied away from the hand that touched his back, flattening himself against the pile of plushies resting against the wall.

“You weren’t yesterday, when I was feeling even worse.”

He added accusingly, throwing what was meant to be an angry look behind but probably looked just pitiful. 

“I’m sorry. I- It was my fault, I told them to give you space, Minghao heard you on the phone, and then you left so I thought you just needed…”

The man, who he had identified as Seungcheol, sounded genuinely apologetic from his spot at the edge of the mattress.

“They don’t know that giving space doesn’t mean completely ignoring someone.”

Junhui grumbled grumpily, but he could feel his defenses breaking thanks to the affectionate attention finally paid to him. He sniffled again to keep snot from leaking. 

“I’ll talk to them.”

Something soft fell on Junhui’s hand, which he grabbed. It was a tissue. He used it to clear his nose, rolling to his other side. He met Seungcheol’s round eyes, full of concern and sadness as they looked at each other. The leader extended a careful hand that Junhui did not shy away from this time. It settled on his forehead after slipping under his bangs, touch light.

“Fever… Where were you all night ?”

Junhui’s eyes fluttered shut at the comforting warmth, unconsciously leaning into it. He answered in a murmur.

“Out there.”

Seungcheol started caressing his hair softly, scooting closer.

“It was raining all throughout though…”

Junhui groaned out a laugh that sent him coughing once again.

“Was aware of that.”

Seungcheol carefully pulled the lump of Junhui up so his head rested on his lap.

“Just sleep, I’ll take care of you, alright ?”

The man’s eyes were already shut again, fingers clenching tightly into the fabric of Seungcheol’s pants. He croaked out a word quietly, before surrendering himself to the darkness.

“Okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> Love Junhui, love Seventeen, love Left & Right and remember that idols are people, not robots.  
> ~  
> Twitter : [@lacyjunnie](https://twitter.com/lacyjunnie)


End file.
